COWER, FOOLS, FOR ONCE AGAIN YOUR TRADITIONAL AUTUMNAL SCHEDULE HAS BEEN CAST ASUNDER BY NONE OTHER THAN THE GREAT AND POWERFUL MERASMUS! COME HITHER, FOOLS, AND LISTEN CLOSE TO A MOST DISTURBING MESSAGE FROM THE DARKEST ABYSSES OF MERASMUS’S SPREADSHEET COLLECTION!
WE HAVE RUN OUT OF MONEY TO MAKE THE CREATORS.TF HALLOWEEN SPECIAL THIS YEAR!
...Yes, it’s true, mortal. Making those personalized hellscapes for Scream Fortress doesn’t come cheap, and it certainly doesn’t help that I, despite my infinite magical wisdom, have been blacklisted by every major criminal organization from taking out any more extremely high interest loans - and you ungrateful bunch of psychotic hat-hoarders have been taking all of my prime, death-threatening entertainment for granted, for YEARS!
Were it not for the federally mandated minimum amount of nefarious wizardry required to qualify for the lower-middle arcane tax bracket, Merasmus wouldn’t even bother trying to please such an abysmal audience as this!
BUT WAIT! Don’t you worry your supernaturally shrunken little heads, mortals! For Merasmus has come up with the PERFECT RECIPE for a budget fright night!
Merasmus’ Homecooked Halloween Special - 23 days prep time, serves 5,000+ people
This one’s a tried and true favorite for the kids - in fact, MERASMUS’s little god-nephew absolutely delights in this cheap and easy way to get your federally mandated Halloween FRIGHT on!
What you’ll need for this recipe:
- One (1) arcanely charged stirring stick or staff, locally sourced
- One (1) Amazing Kindlebook loaded with a cursed Latin translation of a public domain terrifying tale (Merasmus prefers Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein for this recipe)
- Nine (9) souls of the damned
- A large cast iron cauldron, seasoned thoroughly through centuries of use
- Several thematically appropriate locations to collect souls, bodies, and/or candy in
- And of course - some frightning costumes to confuse the police while you kill and murder your way to the perfect event!
With these ingredients, some imagination, and a wide berth from any depictions living or dead that may alert the vampiric horde of lawyers that work for every major media conglomerate, Merasmus will show you how to single-handedly save Scream Fortress and concoct a brand new grisly gauntlet to torture your least favorite annoying whelps!
Let’s start cooking, shall we? First, heat up your cauldron to 1000 degrees Fahrenheit (that’s 538 degrees Celsius, for those of you who live somewhere that uses a non-arcane system of measurements). Pour in the souls you collected earlier and let them simmer for TWO THOUSAND years - or, if you’re short on time, about 30 minutes in the pressure cooker will achieve the same effect (remember to return it to the cauldron afterward!).
Read from the Kindlebook, doing your best to pour the loosely translated Latin into your concoction at an agonizingly slow rate. Let that continue to cook until boiling while continuously stirring with your staff - this allows all those distinctly devillish flavors to mingle nicely with each other.
Now, bring that cauldron to your favorite culturally sensitive ancient burial ground and allow it to cool nightly for the next three or so weeks.
And let the spooks commence! Merasmus has included provisions in this recipe for a bunch of NEW COSMETICS he received from the donation bin behind his apartment, but store bought is fine too. DO NOT LET THE POLICE FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE OR WHO GAVE YOU THIS RECIPE, MORTALS - MERASMUS HAS A WARRANT OUT FOR HIS ARREST IN SEVERAL JURISDICTIONS!
Merasmus has also included NEW WEAPONS as well! No idea what they’ll do, but you’re welcome to use them to defend yourself from the cops!
Once cooled, pour out into individual haunted platters and serve. Pairs best with the tears of a tortured game developer.
That's all that Merasmus could budget out for this year, mortals! Now, I have a couple more well thought out schemes cooking to get me out of this debt hole that need attending to - so BEGONE! Happy Halloween, fools!